Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Paralyzed in Fear

I am not one to whine on my blog, or complain, or be negative...BUT this past week has been a huge piece of the puzzle that we call "Moving To China". I am writing this so in the great times (there will be them) I can look back, even if it is to say, "wow, I'm glad I am not there anymore".

Up until about a week and a half ago, I had moments of interest, doubt, anticipation, fear (do you notice the back and forth?) It really just depended on the moment . I always tried to put on a positive face, especially for the kids. That is really not like me since I usually let every emotion out, all the time. Then it happened, it all changed. My body began to take over. My appetite decreased dramatically (I knew this was bad since I deal with normal stress by eating). I started waking up in the middle of the night and staying up for a few hours. I would feel sick to my stomach when I would think of, or anyone would mention, the "C" word. I would try to discuss this with hubby but he was/is dealing with his own stress of the move (i.e. Visas, dog stuff, deadlines here in the US, etc). My fear began to take over me and my life. Then I would feel guilty because I know " if ye are prepared, ye shall not fear". I felt like all I was doing was preparing!

Then I broke. Our property manager was over talking about a potential renter for our home. His voice became tunneled, I began to sweat and I knew I had to leave. By the time I got upstairs I could not breathe. I tried doing the head between the knees thing but I was so ashamed that I lost control in front of someone else. It made the anxiety worse. I was pacing, trying to breathe but thinking "I can't do 'this'" over and over. The 'this' meaning move. That panic attack ruined our entire weekend, because then I became angry. I still feel bad about ruining hubby's father's day weekend.

Well, I have learned a few things in the couple of days since then. I was preparing, which would lead to my anxiety. But I needed to prepare spiritually. I needed to put my trust in the Lord. Although it was hard for me, as I never received confirmation that China was the right decision for me and my family. I would tell myself, "this would be so much easier if it was a mission because at least I would know that it was the Lord's will". But I needed to get over that. Whether it was His will or not I still needed to have faith the He would comfort me and guide me no matter where I was in the world.

I also learned that slacking on the daily basics only leads to unhappiness for me and for my family. Just like I KNOW I have to exercise for my physical and mental health, I KNOW I need to focus on my prayers and scriptures for my emotional and spiritual health. It seems so "primary" to say that, but I learned first hand...I do pray and read my scriptures...but I was taking them for granted and being casual about them. This resulted in the Spirit being faint, which allowed anger, fear and negativity in.

I am still anxious. I still can't quite talk about leaving my family, friends and home. But I know that if I continue to make my spirituality a priority that Heavenly Father will bless me with peace, comfort and endurance.


Leslie said...

You have so much faith and strength. You learned a lot this weekend and it put that faith and strength to the test. You can do this! It will be amazing!! Love you.

Anonymous said...

Very interesting comment about preparing to the point of not fearing. Made me think about some things for myself. Thank you for this post.

Laura said...

Jen, you are right on about preparing and nurturing ourselves and our family spiritually-thank you for the reminder!! Love you!!

Laura said...

You are right on Jen!! thank you for the reminder!!
Love you!

Liz R. said...

i'm sorry you are struggling so much with this. ever since i've known you, this move has been bubbling on the back burner ;) i think it's good to remember that even if something is right, it doesn't mean that it is easy or that everything will seemingly fall into place (it will, just not the way you think it should be i guess). there are so many people that have had to do exactly what you are doing now. you can do hard things! i am proud of you for having enough insight to realize that you were letting your spiritual self drag a little and have the faith that bumping it up will help. there are so many lesson to learn from the entire experience - not just the being there.

Heather said...

If it's any consolation I too had several full-blown panic attacks before my move to China nearly six years ago. We decided to move and had 4 weeks to quit our jobs, pack what we wanted to take, liquidate all of our possessions, and plan for our new adventure. Overwhelming can't even describe those days! You'll be glad to know that although I felt twinges of panic as our plane approached Beijing, I settled in rather quickly and never regretted our decision. I hope it is the same for you!