Paralyzed in Fear

I am not one to whine on my blog, or complain, or be negative...BUT this past week has been a huge piece of the puzzle that we call "Moving To China". I am writing this so in the great times (there will be them) I can look back, even if it is to say, "wow, I'm glad I am not there anymore".

Up until about a week and a half ago, I had moments of interest, doubt, anticipation, fear (do you notice the back and forth?) It really just depended on the moment . I always tried to put on a positive face, especially for the kids. That is really not like me since I usually let every emotion out, all the time. Then it happened, it all changed. My body began to take over. My appetite decreased dramatically (I knew this was bad since I deal with normal stress by eating). I started waking up in the middle of the night and staying up for a few hours. I would feel sick to my stomach when I would think of, or anyone would mention, the "C" word. I would try to discuss this with hubby but he was/is dealing with his own stress of the move (i.e. Visas, dog stuff, deadlines here in the US, etc). My fear began to take over me and my life. Then I would feel guilty because I know " if ye are prepared, ye shall not fear". I felt like all I was doing was preparing!

Then I broke. Our property manager was over talking about a potential renter for our home. His voice became tunneled, I began to sweat and I knew I had to leave. By the time I got upstairs I could not breathe. I tried doing the head between the knees thing but I was so ashamed that I lost control in front of someone else. It made the anxiety worse. I was pacing, trying to breathe but thinking "I can't do 'this'" over and over. The 'this' meaning move. That panic attack ruined our entire weekend, because then I became angry. I still feel bad about ruining hubby's father's day weekend.

Well, I have learned a few things in the couple of days since then. I was preparing, which would lead to my anxiety. But I needed to prepare spiritually. I needed to put my trust in the Lord. Although it was hard for me, as I never received confirmation that China was the right decision for me and my family. I would tell myself, "this would be so much easier if it was a mission because at least I would know that it was the Lord's will". But I needed to get over that. Whether it was His will or not I still needed to have faith the He would comfort me and guide me no matter where I was in the world.

I also learned that slacking on the daily basics only leads to unhappiness for me and for my family. Just like I KNOW I have to exercise for my physical and mental health, I KNOW I need to focus on my prayers and scriptures for my emotional and spiritual health. It seems so "primary" to say that, but I learned first hand...I do pray and read my scriptures...but I was taking them for granted and being casual about them. This resulted in the Spirit being faint, which allowed anger, fear and negativity in.

I am still anxious. I still can't quite talk about leaving my family, friends and home. But I know that if I continue to make my spirituality a priority that Heavenly Father will bless me with peace, comfort and endurance.